Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Spit, Shit & Quit

I slipped in the bathroom and sprained my ankle and hit my head against the tub.

My girlfriend broke up with me in the morning.

The internship where I could have worked in summer got canceled.

I got ripped in the exams as the results indicate that I have to do another year.

I burnt my hand with oil while making lunch.

The coffee tastes shit.

The food is uneatable.

I feel fucked.

I can’t write music, songs.

No love, what a day! , Should I quit?

I tie my shoes, wear something, untie my hair and turn off the phone. I put on my headphones and come out in the sun.

Click, song 1. Lamb of God, laid to rest

Explosive drumming, pinch harmonics, slaps and pops on the bass, and it feels as if the lyrics are talking to you. It makes sense, YES it does. It says:

“If There Was A Single Day I Could Live,
A Single Breath I Could Take,
I'd Trade All The Others Away.

Smother Another Failure
Lay This To Rest

Console Yourself,
You're Better Alone,
Destroy Yourself,
See Who Gives A Fuck.

Absorb Yourself,
You're Better Alone,
Destroy Yourself.

The eyes lit up with a shine that never existed before. It’s like a stare, killing intriguing pointing stare, not at anyone else but you. You can’t see anything else but the road, and your feet. You can’t listen to anything else but music. The fine hairs at the back of the neck stand up. The spine suddenly feels a chill down there. There is a smile on the face.

A smile or a smirk? or a grin for that matter.

Suddenly it feels like living in another world altogether, where you can just say ‘fuck you’ and move ahead. The actions have no aftereffects. You don’t have to repent for anything you say or do.

Welcome to the world of heavy metal and rock music. It doesn’t judge you. It doesn’t criticize you. It always is there for you. It always makes sense.

Welcome to the world with no false pretensions. Where everything is so true and hard on your face, that it seems like you have found a new best friend. Something that talks to you and allow you to talk back. Allows you to discuss. It doesn’t have any prejudices nor does it shun your views. It makes you feel that your ideas, identity have some respect. They matter, they fucking matter.

I have been listening to this music actively since last 8 years and it has never let me down. It has been consistently stereotyped, dismissed and condemned. This music confronts what we often ignore, celebrates the things which we rather deny. It indulges in what we fear most. I have been defending this music since i was young. I do like other art forms, all other kinds of music, which makes me feel beautiful. Music which allows me to appreciate and love the beauty around me. Which adds to my vocabulary of emotions. Something which adds warmth to my feelings. Something which allows me to feel happy.

But, what about the other part of me. The other part of me which is evil. The other part of me which is so sick that just thinking about it can evoke suicidal tendencies. How do I live with this? How do I explain this which is in me, for that matter, (in all of us)?

What about vanity, jealousy.

What about unfair competition. What about the hatred generated from the media reports on war. What about the feeling when I saw a death happening in front of my eyes. What about when I see someone I love, fornicating with someone else.

What about that.

This music allows me to give a language to define these things. It tries to help me to find a solution. Sometimes, it tells me that the solution is not required at all. Let it harm you, you will learn.

Whenever I feel blue and I am choked, and I can’t write, and I can’t make music. I dig a small den, put on this music and forget about everything else. As headphones keep on blaring, I am immune to reality. I am immune to life. It’s the best anesthetic for all kinds of pain.

In the arms of it, I find love, warmth and comfort. I feel like cuddling and sleeping and never getting up.

Never Ever.

But one has to wake up. To worry about the girlfriend who broke up. To take care of the ankle which might be blue by now. To fix the exams, to fix the internship. To put some sugar in coffee. To put some silent butter on the olive bread.

One has to wake up to start up the actions again that might have shit repercussions, but who cares, as it would be another chance to dig a den, and look back at yourself.

It’s pretty hard, when someone tries to show the mirror back to you.

Isn’t it.



1 comment:

Anonymous said...

hiee bhai....
its me niki
wat u had written in ur profile......
chal sahi hai.....
take care
luv u lotzzzzzzzzzz